I am always leery of writing columns about the weather given the fact that the Pipestone Flyer is a weekly paper. Invariably, by the time a weather-related column hits the newstands, the conditions are radically different than it was when I wrote it. If you thought yesterdays news was boring, try listening to last week's weather report!Still, it has been hotter than a lava sandwich and we northerners with our obvious willingness to tolerate -40 temperatures in winter, have a hard time with anything over +25. We break out in a sweat with just the slightest movement; drinking beer, having a nap, breathing. Mostly we just suffer in silence, although some, sadly aren't so silent in their unhappiness and want to share that with every person within proximity of their "Hot enough for ya?" conversation starter.
Therefore, in order to help humanity and set myself up for the Nobel Prize for Something-Or-Other, we at the Loco World Headquarters have been experimenting with the best way to stay cool during the screaming hot temperatures we've been having. If we are no longer having screaming hot temperatures when you read this, you may cut this out with scissors (No running with them!) and put it on your fridge with a magnet for future heat waves.
Of course we must caution you about the application of these solutions. Remember; moderation in all things. A good example is a ceiling fan. It can provide a wonderful breeze to sleep under if done in moderation. Unfortunately, Cupcake is a hottie in more ways than one and I'm sure has the ceiling fan wired to 220. Laying under the fan with the blades whipping around at warp factor 5 billion is like sleeping in a wind tunnel. I can barely fight the force enough to get up to go pee in the night.
So, with moderation in mind, here are the findings of the Loco team of investigative researchers. They have assembled them into the top 20 ways of staying cool during crematorium conditions:
1: Hug a bag of frozen peas. This is particularly helpful at bed-time. Carrots and corn also work but broccoli can be a bit bumpy. Make sure whatever frozen fruit or vegetable you select, the bag is sealed perfectly. Having a bedful of frozen strawberries would be a drag.
2: Purchase a "Slushy" ice drink. Rub it all over your body. Watch out for brainfreeze, not to mention torso freeze, buttock freeze and sensitive inner thigh area freeze.
3: Go to the beer cooler of the beverage purveyor you have given the most business to over the years. Bring a comfy chair.
4: Try sitting in the shade... of an iceberg.
5: Stand in front of the fridge for hours with the door open staring inside like teenagers do constantly.
6: Hang out in the freezer section of the grocery store until you're booted out for being thought a creeper.
7: Have a cold shower. All day. Prepare for hate letters from water conservation groups.
8: Burrow underground like gophers do. Watch out for garden hoses and 10 year-old boys with pellet guns.
9: Wait for the end of the screaming hot day for the sudden, intense thunder, lightning, gale force wind, flying garbage can-type storm blow all the hot air from the house along with your roof.
10: Duct-tape popcicles to your body. Try and stay away from taping hairy areas.
11: Tell your wife those pants DO make her butt look big. Enjoy the frosty silence.
12: Buy one of those cheapie, above-ground pools. Get a part-time job at an air-conditioned Wal-Mart to help pay for the water, chemicals, testing kits, water toys and pumps.
13: Hire servants to wave palm fronds over you. It may not be the most efficient manner, but it would be the coolest.
14: Freeze-dry your clothes in the freezer after washing. Put on when not quite dry. Watch out for frostbite in unusual places.
15: Jump and frolic about in the sprinkler. In the front yard. Naked. Psych wards are usually air-conditioned.
16: Catch a cold. Hope for chills.
17: Flip off a bike gang. Bask in how your blood turns to ice when they circle the block for a chat. 18: Drink a lot of beer. You won't actually feel cooler since you are taking on a ton of extra calories and it is a diuretic so it will strip you of precious bodily fluids . Still, you won't care about the heat nearly as much.
19: Move into your parent's basement. Take up computing, texting, video gaming and going to comic conventions.
20: Put on a pair of shades. At least you will look cool.
As you can tell, once again our crack staff of researchers have proven once again that they are useless in a crisis. Don't try these at home kids!
2: Purchase a "Slushy" ice drink. Rub it all over your body. Watch out for brainfreeze, not to mention torso freeze, buttock freeze and sensitive inner thigh area freeze.
3: Go to the beer cooler of the beverage purveyor you have given the most business to over the years. Bring a comfy chair.
4: Try sitting in the shade... of an iceberg.
5: Stand in front of the fridge for hours with the door open staring inside like teenagers do constantly.
6: Hang out in the freezer section of the grocery store until you're booted out for being thought a creeper.
7: Have a cold shower. All day. Prepare for hate letters from water conservation groups.
8: Burrow underground like gophers do. Watch out for garden hoses and 10 year-old boys with pellet guns.
9: Wait for the end of the screaming hot day for the sudden, intense thunder, lightning, gale force wind, flying garbage can-type storm blow all the hot air from the house along with your roof.
10: Duct-tape popcicles to your body. Try and stay away from taping hairy areas.
11: Tell your wife those pants DO make her butt look big. Enjoy the frosty silence.
12: Buy one of those cheapie, above-ground pools. Get a part-time job at an air-conditioned Wal-Mart to help pay for the water, chemicals, testing kits, water toys and pumps.
13: Hire servants to wave palm fronds over you. It may not be the most efficient manner, but it would be the coolest.
14: Freeze-dry your clothes in the freezer after washing. Put on when not quite dry. Watch out for frostbite in unusual places.
15: Jump and frolic about in the sprinkler. In the front yard. Naked. Psych wards are usually air-conditioned.
16: Catch a cold. Hope for chills.
17: Flip off a bike gang. Bask in how your blood turns to ice when they circle the block for a chat. 18: Drink a lot of beer. You won't actually feel cooler since you are taking on a ton of extra calories and it is a diuretic so it will strip you of precious bodily fluids . Still, you won't care about the heat nearly as much.
19: Move into your parent's basement. Take up computing, texting, video gaming and going to comic conventions.
20: Put on a pair of shades. At least you will look cool.
As you can tell, once again our crack staff of researchers have proven once again that they are useless in a crisis. Don't try these at home kids!
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