Mega-Sized Calmar Fair

Most weeks I sit staring at the blank screen on my laptop and wonder how I'll fill this space. After writing a humour column for 14 years, it is sometimes more difficult to select a topic than it is to write about it. Not so, today, however. I have more selection than a mega-sized dollar store and every story would have something to do with the amazing Calmar fair.

I'm sure you're thinking “How amazing can a small town fair be?” After all, Calmar is seriously small I mean, it's so tiny, no word of a lie, we've had visitors drive right through town thinking there would be more to it. There isn't, sadly. (Dear Calmar Chamber of Commerce, I was just joking.

What? We're so small we don't have a Chamber of Commerce?) Seriously, though, you might think that, being a town of just 2000 souls, the fair would be lamer than a one legged pirate. Instead, the entertainment was so wonderfully varied and plentiful, I thought I was in a town twice as big in size and sophistication. Sure there was the obligatory features; the pancake breakfast served from 8:00 AM until oh-my-gosh-they-keep-coming-lock-the-door-quick, a parade featuring elected officials waving out car windows, fireworks that rivalled those on my wedding night (wink wink) and a dance featuring an ocean of barely legal partiers trying to see who can out-drink each other while wildly leaping about in what passes for dancing nowadays and we can't forget the three day slow-pitch tournament with a beer garden right at the diamonds, a marketing move as clever as placing a Dairy Queen next to a fat farm.

In addition to those wonderful things that make a small town fair a small town fair, however, they had some additions that made this year's fair arguably the best ever. First of all, the town was celebrating 20 years of hosting the Mega-Market; the garage sale that is more like a bazaar in some exotic land. Vendor's tables line both blocks of main street and there are tons... er... tonnes of other yard sales all over town. People come from all over; like legions of bargain hunters on a dream safari. Then, at the stroke of 11:00, seemingly all transactions stopped when the parade began. I know from experience there was a time when Calmar had the quietest parades you could ever imagine. There were no marching bands, no music on the floats.

The whole thing would kind of slip by un-noticed like it was staffed by ninjas. Not this year. There was music. There was colour. There was flash and pizzazz and there was a large contingent of Jamaican cadets who had flown in for an exchange with their Alberta-based counterparts. The aforementioned parade, almost cancelled a couple years ago due to lack of interest, ended up longer than the actual parade route. And the crowds! I have never seen people five deep along main street in my life. It was like people had heard the float riders were tossing twenties instead of candy.

My fellow thespians with the Calmar Prairie Players had run off 200 little handbills for our melodrama at the beer gardens but we could have used ten times as many if we were to give one to every spectator. It was such as switch from the night before when you could have rolled up the streets and put them away in the shed considering the lack of traffic. Speaking of the Prairie Players, our small but vital troupe staged a melodrama called “Calamity in Calmar or Dark Doings on the Finley Farm” in the beer tent at the ball diamonds.

Paula Bosse had penned it just for the Prairie Players and we are hoping to negotiate with her for the rights to put it on YouTube. After all, if you compared on a per capita basis, with over 300 people viewing the play “Calamity” was a bigger hit than Cats was in New York and without the annoying show tunes, too! With the big Apple boasting a population of 8,200,000 people, they would have to draw 861,000 Cats fans in a single day to equal our record.

They would definitely need a larger beer tent than we had, though. We can't forget the wheel nuts over at the Show and Shine, either. Not that I understand these folks one iota. Cars are a tool to get from one place to another and to provide a place to sit while you wait to place your Timmy's order. However, having been to past shows, I'll admit the older models are pretty neat. The effort to reclaim those vehicles requires far more skill, tools, money, time, patience and talent than I will ever possess. I admire these antique aficianados but for myself, if I wanted to restore a decades old chassis, I would just go on a diet.

There's so much more to talk about at the fair but sadly, time and space preclude their inclusion. I know there was lots of activities for the “small fry” (a phrase appropriate for such a sunny day) at the water spray park, however, I didn't go as I am a bit old for face painting and I've always had a deep abiding fear of petting zoos after an incident with a goat. I did see the bench show, whereby people paid 50 cents to enter categories such as “Best Carrot” or “Best Photo” with the first prize being worth $3.00, second $2.00 and third $1.00.

I would have stayed but they shooed me away in fear of their first place cookies. If the fair had been an entry in the bench show, I am sure it would have won first place. On a per capita basis, of course.