In Defence of Pennies

           Between the sheets of this very newspaper, a fellow scribe had offered up a vicious condemnation of the least among our coins, the ignoble penny.  His misguided attitude was that pennies should be abolished because they cost the system more than they are worth.  Spouting “statistics” left, right and centre (but mostly right of centre) he cruelly made the case for their death sentence. (Speaking of which, where in heck did the “cent” button go?)
            But pennies are vital. It’s common knowledge a penny is the going rate for thoughts, although admittedly for many, they are overcharging. And what manner of coinage will fall from heaven if pennies are abolished? Twoonies? Man, if you get one of those in the head, it could kill you.
            The problem is pennies aren’t considered real change. We hoard them like television interventionees but we sure don’t roll them up and cash them. Apparently, it’s not worth the effort to go to the store, get some rolling papers, take them back and get the correct coin rolling papers, count out piles of fifty pennies, try and make even stacks and somehow manage to neatly arrange the coins in a tubular shape tightly bound in coin wrapper; repeating this step until all of your decades of penny hoarding has been twisted up, then take the time to go to an actual bank, (rolled up coins are a drag to deposit in the “insert money here” slot in the ATM) wait an eternity in the mystifying rope-fence labyrinth waiting for an organic banking interface, (also known as a teller) while looking like some kind of wishing well coin rustler, all for, maybe, a whole $17.32. Not a chance, unless, perhaps, I was a starving student, struggling artist or a Pipestone Flyer employee.
              The reason my venerable colleague is incorrect (again) is that the problem isn’t the penny. The issue is in the lack of circulation. We need to get those babies circulating like a cougar after the divorce. What pennies need is better PR. We need to find a way to give value to the penny; to make it the symbol upon which the concept of collective worth is built. If we could harness the power of these pennies, just think what good we could do without missing a dime.
              Imagine, if you will, communities competing to see who could amass the most pennies with the winner flying the other’s flag for a day or some such. The collected coinage could be rolled up by volunteers with a rented/borrowed/temporarily stolen automatic coin roller and cashed in for a community project in need of a hefty cash injection (is there anybody that can’t think of even one?) The worthy causes would be, ahem, rolling in dough. (Sorry, it had to be said.)
             If the idea goes bacterial or viral or whatever they call it, volunteer associations all over the country could use the power of the penny to enhance their communities, too. Soon, all those pennies will begin to wash back into the copper pipeline to be reused over and over. It will allow the Canadian Mint to cease having to make another half a billion pennies every year and we will all save the $130M from the federal budget, rid ourselves of a storage nuisance and feel good about doing acts of charity without feeling nary a pinch.
             So how do we round up the pennies? Well, the Loco World Group Research Centre has so far failed to develop a magnet that attracts pennies although they did create an awesome recipe for Tequila Caesars. Therefore we will have to go back to the basics. We could get the cubs and scouts to do a penny drive while the grads are doing their bottle drive. We could have industrial strength scales at competing town offices that people could dump their pesky pennies into when they stop by to pay the water bill or whatever. There could be a central dump off point at the annual fair perhaps, offering onlookers  free throws at the dunk tank with each donation of a pound. The possibilities are only limited by the imagination of the community groups and it’s been my experience that those groups’ imaginations are bounded only by those activities frowned upon in the criminal code and even then, well, there’s been some grey areas.
              I will admit that so far, the two notable nations to have succumbed to penny-hating riots and banned pennies from cash transactions have both reported few problems with the change in pocket change, but let’s face it; we’re talking about Australia and New Zealand, for crying out loud. They’re way down there on the bottom of the planet and all their blood is constantly rushing to their heads. They are as crazy as koalaroos or whatever freakish creatures they have roaming about. They probably never noticed the difference. I don’t know what my aforementioned learned colleague Brian’s excuse is, however.
             So instead of throwing out pennies, let’s all gather them up and see what we can do when we all put our heads and tails together. Perhaps a penny saved is a playground earned.