Advice for School Kids

          Ahhhhh.... the kids are back in school. The parents of school-aged children are all breathing a collective sigh of relief that their world can get back to normal, as if “normal” exists. Still, educating the yard apes of the land is a good thing. I, personally, am a big supporter of education. It is rather sobering to realize, though, that had I stayed in school, I’d be in grade 45 by now. Still, it is impossible to miss the hubbub at the stores and the incessant “It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year” commercials, even for us folks whose kids have already run the public education gauntlet. Therefore, as a public service, the think tank at the Loco World Group headquarters (AKA Jeff’s Bar and Grill) has developed a number of guidelines to follow for a happy, well-adjusted educational experience.

1) If you ride your bike to school, to be cool, make sure it’s a Harley.
2) If your dog eats your homework, blame anything else. That excuse has never worked; not even once. Maybe try, “Mom and Dad were drunk again and I couldn’t concentrate while hiding in the basement.”
3) Demand the best I-gadgets from your folks; I-Pad, I-Phone, etc. Just remember the magic mantra “I-Want”.
4) There is an age when it is no longer cool to bring a “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” lunchbox to school. That age is thirty-five.
5) On fake sick notes, you will undergo less scrutiny if, instead of putting something like the flu or a cold, you   say you had blood in your stool. Shuts ‘em right up.
6) Fellas, when getting the strap, it is not cool to pull away. Take it like a man. It makes for a great story when you’re older. What? They’re not allowed to do that anymore? Pity.
7) Never put your tongue on the metal pole of the swings in the school playground in winter, even if you’re double-dog dared. Actually, it’s not even advisable in summer. Ewww!
8) High school is no place for drugs and alcohol. That’s what university is for.
9) Never tell your parents how many apples you’ve thrown out from your bagged lunch without eating them. They would kill you.
10)You don’t have to be dropped off a block from school so you’re not seen with your nerdy parent. To be cool, get dropped off right in front of the door. Make sure you ride in the backseat and as you get out of the car, say in a loud voice, “Pick me up at three-thirty, Jeeves, there’s a good lad.”
11) When the snow flies, remember toques just wreck your hair and wearing mitts makes it hard to smoke. It’s way better to jam your hands deep into the pockets of your light fall jacket (which looks so sharp compared to that bulky parka) and hunch your shoulders like Quasimodo. It’s almost as warm and WAY less geeky.
12) Girls, now’s the time to really go for the gusto with back to school outfits. Whine that the new stuff you got is so last Thursday and that you’ll just die if you don’t get the latest style from (insert trendy store name here. Value Village need not apply).
13) Boys, it’s true that girls have cooties but the cooties eventually grow into curves you’ll appreciate later. You still won’t understand girls any better at this juncture, however. This never goes away.
14) Never, ever, ever take a paper clip and bend it into a “U” shape and place it on an elastic band you’ve strung between thumb and forefinger and let fly, bow and arrow style at, say, the teacher’s posterior. You will be ratted out for sure and there would be grave consequences. But it IS fun to think about.
15) Tired of always being picked last for sports teams? So was I. Sorry, can’t help you.
16) Don’t sweat the small stuff. In job interviews and performance evaluations throughout my thirty-year career, I have never had anyone ask what mark I got on my grade eight science final.
17) When it’s your turn for show and tell, never bring a dead thing. The teacher always freaks out.
18) Don’t understand algebra? Don’t worry. I’m almost 50 and I’ve never needed it. I think the only purpose in becoming good at it is to be able to teach it to others. Other than that, it probably has no practical purpose. Sort of like learning Latin. Or Klingon.
19) Are you young guys still wearing your jeans ten sizes too big so they droop so low they advertise your choice of undergarment? If so, just stop it!
20) Don’t pull anyone’s finger. Sadly, the advice doled out by the Loco World Group think tank is highly suspect and must, for liability reasons, divulge warnings associated with their use. May cause nausea, vomiting and light-headedness. Some have experienced sharp pains...in the neck. May contain nuts. Not to be used with other advice columns as interactions may occur. If you experience any of these symptoms, call a doctor.