Whoopee Maylong!

          Everyone loves ‘Maylong’. That’s what we call the annual kickoff to summer. It’s actually supposed to be ‘Queen Whatsherface Day’, to honour some long dead British monarch, whose progeny are about as relevant to my life as that of the Octomom.  Some might say retaining such minor trappings of royalty is a little reminder that when we want to do something fairly significant in the political realm, like dissolving parliament or adding members to the senate, we have to ask the permission of, well... a foreigner. (This is no sleight to Her Majesty, if she’s reading this. It’s just that I don’t get why anyone else would care.) On the other side of the coin, that’s the beauty of the Maylong. There’s no real ‘reason for the season’ for this holiday; no Hallmark cards or gifts to buy. In our heart of hearts, it doesn’t really matter to us why we get a long weekend in May, just as long as we do.
Although the Maylong is the signal for the green-thumbers and ‘Bloomers’ in the community to start planting gardens, for most folks, Maylong means camping. Therefore, as a public service, since I know nothing about gardening, (I’ve actually manage to kill rhubarb.) I have compiled a list of camping tips for all you Maylongers out there.
1. Don’t trust anyone else to bring something vital for the tent; poles, pegs or the top flap, for example. They will forget for sure. Then when you discuss this with them, they will get all snitty and leave in a huff. You will never get another Christmas card from them. Ever.
2. If a bear gets all your food, let him. Don’t try to dress up in a much larger bear suit to scare it away or you may be brought down by a pack of men in much larger wolf suits.
3. If you’re concerned about spilling some of the naphtha gas while fuelling up the stove and lantern, don’t worry. EVERYBODY spills. They don’t worry, so why should you? The way they designed the spouts on those stupid metal cans makes spillage inevitable. Think of it as liberating it to return to the land from whence it came.
4. Make sure your vehicle is powerful enough to tow your RV. In this part of the world, trying to haul a fifth-wheel with a Smart Car and creating line-ups behind it that are kilometres long is a killing offense. Besides you look so silly with that itty bitty car dangling from the RV hitch.
5. Be aware that no matter how hot it has been leading up to the Maylong and no matter what the Environment Canada forecast might promise, it will snow on the Sunday of Maylong. It always does. Who says the ‘Guy Upstairs’ has no sense of humour?
6. Do not set up a tent in a low spot or gully as it will get flooded if... or rather, when it rains. Erecting the tent on the side of a hill is out, as well, since water will course through your tent as you are trying not to roll out of bed and down the hill into the gully, despite being lashed to a tent pole. The best bet is to set up camp on top of a hill. Just pray there will be no lightning. 100 million to a billion volts of electricity and thin sheets of waterproof nylon do not mix. At least your charred remains will be conveniently shrink-wrapped.
7. Breaking wind in a wet tent is just cruel, man.
8. A note to camping women; don’t serve beans at supper and then be surprised at the incidence of Camping Tip 7 from your loving spouse.
9. Camping food is so good, it has a much higher allowable limit for ashes, cinders, bugs and dirt than home-cooked or restaurant food.  The ‘Three Minute Rule’ applies to anything dropped near the campfire.
10. People look their absolute worst when they are crawling out of a tent first thing in the morning. Avoid camping with ugly people. (Come to think of it, I haven’t been asked to go for a while...)
11. Always bring back-up toilet paper. I can’t stress this enough. And wet naps. Bring lots.
12. Shut your *^#$#^ cell phone off. You’re camping, for crying out loud.
13. When you’re camping, there will be bugs. Bugs love sugar. Given these two truths, make sure you wash your lips off after you’ve scarffed down that glazed donut before you have your nap, or your sticky, sweet lips will become irresistible to insects living on the forest floor mere millimetres from your mouth. Trust me, waking up with a millipede moustache is a drag.
14. Have fun. Just remember camping is all about relaxing, enjoying friends and family and getting away from it all. But mostly, it’s a great excuse not to do gardening.