Driven to Distraction

               Hopefully, while you read this, you’re not behind the wheel because the provincial government has recently enacted new legislation to tackle ‘Distracted Driving’. This new law is an attempt to curb motorists who drive with undue care and attention. It is, however, different than the existing law of ‘driving with undue care and attention’, but don’t ask me how. I recall last summer, for example, when the brave men and women who patrol the QEII had an enforcement blitz designed to curtail multitasking motorists between Alberta’s biggest cities. One guy they caught was reportedly playing a guitar while on his journey. A guitar! Maybe a harmonica I could see but no guitar made anywhere would fit between me and the wheel. There were, of course, many other tickets issued, too, including people putting on makeup, reading the paper, watching TV and DVD’s and one couple who were... er... uh... otherwise preoccupied, to put it delicately. The vigilant vehicle cops had no problem laying charges in those cases. To deal with this new infringement on our rapidly eroding civil liberties, I thought it timely to discuss the worst distractions we face at the wheel and possible ways to ameliorate them.

Eating: I... I mean, a friend of mine... is certainly guilty of this and has been known to munch a delicious bun, egg, sausage and cheese, arterial choking wonder, on his morning commute quite often, if his waistline is any indication. Now, however, road food will become illegal. What’s next? Banning drive-thrus? Who hasn’t gotten their order and was already reaching in the bag for French fries before they even got out of the parking lot?  Seriously! Does anybody actually ever take drive-thru food home to eat? My advice to dining drivers/driving diners? Plan your day better so you can prepare wholesome, healthy, nutritious food at home before venturing off to work. Yeah. Right.

Drinking: Although drinking alcohol is still illegal in a vehicle, (Probably a good thing) according to government sources, you can still have your Timmy’s while you putts along in the slow lane. Of course, if you’re steering with your knee so you can roll up the rim and accidently create a multi-car pileup, police may apply the charge. (I may have paraphrased the spokesman somewhat.) One strategy you might consider is to put your “double double half caff” into one of those beer-holder hats with the tubes that go from the beverage directly to your mouth. This approach boasts the advantage of totally hands free operation, although you will look like a dork as you drive around with the stupid hat on your head. It’s kind of a cop magnet too.

Children: Probably one of the worst distractions you could have in your car, children weren’t mentioned in any of the pieces I’ve read on it.  Who hasn’t seen crazed minivan mommas whacking the kids in their booster seats in the back while barrelling down the Yellowhead at 120 K? The answer lies with two easily acquired items; a coat hanger and duct tape. Simply put the hangers into your little darlings’ jackets they’re wearing and suspend them from the handy plastic hooks they have above the back seat window for just such a purpose. The duct tape is for their mouths if they appear unhappy with the arrangement.  Make sure you tie that seat belt around them or you may be in contravention of some law.
Cell phone: This is the item that kicked off the whole driving distracted debate.  It has only gotten worse with the fact that the average cell phone can now do practically everything except barbecue a steak. There are a couple strategies to deal with this popular distraction that occur to me immediately. One method is to pick up hitchhikers and have them answer your phone and relay messages. The downside to this plan is if you run out of hitchhikers, you might have to resort to forcing people into your car against their will, perhaps at gunpoint. This may be a bit extreme for folks who just need someone to dial for them but it beats getting a ticket.  The other alternative is to place the cell phone under your front tire, drive over it back and forth a number of times and free yourself of its tyranny.

Texting: Are you nuts? Just stop it! Good grief, I can’t figure it out sitting in the dining room with the manual right in front of me. To be texting while driving is insane. Surely your “Whasup?” can wait while you’re kind of busy piloting a massive, dangerous machine alongside other massive, dangerous machines, all whizzing along at speeds in excess of the posted speed limit suggestions on those quaint signs on the highway.
Intimate interaction: Just remember those three little words: GET A ROOM!
Sadly, as well intentioned as distracted driving legislation is, a timely reminder that driving is an important enough activity on its own without multitasking, too. Unfortunately, I can’t see it making a difference. We have speed limit laws too and I don’t notice much adherence to those statutes, either.