Red Green Saves the Day

          Do you remember that part in the Tom Hanks movie ‘Apollo 13’ when the oxygen tank ruptured and the astronauts in the ill-fated craft were doomed if Houston Control couldn’t figure out a way to save them? Three engineers were shut in a room and had four hours to devise a solution using the available materials they knew were aboard the ship. Almost like a Hollywood movie, the creative engineers at the mission control center devised a plan to staunch the leak and ensure an adequate atmosphere for the ride home.
Well, guess what? Hold onto your hockey helmets, folks, I have some news that’s bigger than Chef Gordon Ramsey’s ego. (Okay, maybe not that big but still...) The momentous news is that the engineers who helped save the day were with the Canadian Space Agency; as Canuckish as Alberta beef smothered in poutine and Saskatoon pie with a side of mussels! The trio were recently being honoured by NASA at the 40th anniversary of the near-disaster in a ceremony at the Canadian Air and Space Museum in Toronto.  (There’s a Canadian Air and Space Museum in Toronto?)
Well, actually, the engineers, Bernard Etkin, Barry French and Philip Sullivan, weren’t exactly the engineers in the movie. They were, however, a vital resource for the experts at NASA and in constant communication with them from their offices at the University of Toronto. The northern-based brainiacs were given the task of calculating the various internal and external pressures that would be at work in the perilous re-entry. Apparently, these calculations were extremely complicated and if wrong, would have caused the spaceship to either be crushed like an empty beer can in a redneck’s hand or blown to bits like rocket-powered rollerskates from Wile E. Coyote’s Acme catalogue.
What was not reported by any known sources internationally, or at least any I happened to notice while trolling the news sites, was that a special envoy was procured by the Houston brass to act as a liaison; bridging the gap between the U of T eggheads and the team NASA had working on the problem.
In a Pipestone Flyer exclusive, which I received in a brown envelope slipped under the door of my palatial office in the Pipestone Flyer Building in downtown Millet, we get to learn the identity of that unsung hero.
This advisor is such a giant in the annals (Ha! I said “annals”) of Canadian icons he practically bleeds maple syrup. He was the ideal individual for the job as he is recognized across the land for his expertise in crisis management.  His half hour documentaries were a rarity, indeed; a Canadian TV show that was actually popular with Canadian viewers. For the first time ever published, here is a transcript of the conversation between those brilliant Canadian scientists and those frantically trying to save those brave space pioneers in the crippled craft as facilitated by the eminent expert brought in as their go-between.

Canadian Engineers: According to the calculations, we have arrived at a figure of 73995.922 X (83462355.4876345) + 82622793.09436636/837652580(-9372562.9653792).
Red Green: Now here’s what you want to do, fellas; get yourself a good, sturdy roll of duct tape and start wrapping that oxygen tank. It might take quite a few wraps but it’ll hold. I once used duct tape to attach the chassis onto the frame on a ’59 Pontiac. It lasted over three weeks!
Canadian Engineers: Make sure they factor in the equilibrium constant of 7820298.8375/456453792.9373. This will be critical in maintaining the constants required during the shifting external pressures.
Red Green: Okay so now, if it gets hard to breath, just poke a hole in the duct tape over the oxygen leak. Still not enough? Make the hole bigger. If you feel light headed, though, put another wrap or two over part of the hole. Try and avoid smoking while doing this.
NASA Emergency Team: It’s okay, we warned them if they want to light up they have to stand outside the vessel.
Red Green: Make sure they don’t just stand just inside with the door opened a crack. That oxygen stuff is dangerous.
NASA Emergency Team: That’s a big ten four, there, Red. Anything else we should know?
Red Green:  Just one more thing. The coefficient of the Manheim variable is 97653.86/513447.82256.
NASA Emergency Team: Oh thank you so much for saving the day!
Red Green: Well, if the women don’t find you handsome, they better find you handy!

In the end, the Apollo 13 crewmen made it safely back for a splashdown in the Pacific. (The Atlantic was booked that day apparently.) It was nice to see the incident had a Canadian angle to it, as well. All too often our efforts are overlooked on the world stage. It was nice to see these Canadian mathematicians honoured for their contribution. Funny that it took forty years to do it.
Just a note to readers, parts of the above may have been slightly fictionalized for dramatic effect.