Ahhhhh.... April. A month so vibrant and dynamic, it’s fresher than freshly squeezed milk. It is 31 days that promise warm afternoons to come and yet with the threat of the cold and snow recently passed. It is so sweet and delightful; some people even name their precious daughters after it. After all, you never hear of anyone naming their female offspring “February”, although heaven knows some women are frosty enough. (Present company excepted.)
Most months are named after Roman gods; January, for example, was named for Janus, the god of gates and doorways and beginnings and endings. (Man, them Romans had a god for everything!), April, on the other hand has a much different lineage. It is named after Belleville, Ontario singing sensation Avril Lavigne who wowed the calendar decider committee with a stripped down, acoustic version of ‘Sk8ter Boi’.
April has a lot going for it. It starts off with April Fool’s Day which is a quirky celebration of lame gags and impractical jokes. I only ever played one April Fools gag on Cupcake. It was early one April One and I woke Cupcake urgently.
“I heard something in the porch,” I whispered hoarsely.
“Well, go see what it is,” Cupcake mumbled, still half asleep, rising to the bait.
“Stay here,” I said ominously. “Just in case.”
I got out to the dining room and made scuffling noises. I then rapped an aluminum pot on the top of a chair making a tremendous “BONG!” sound.
I dumped some ketchup on my head and laid down in an awkward position for effect and waited for Cupcake to find “the body”.
And waited. And waited. Apparently she had fallen back to sleep. Finally, however, I could hear footfalls in the hall. Despite my aching body from my cramped position, I was pumped. This was going to be great!
“Are you wasting ketchup again?” she inquired nonchalantly. “I’ll have to start buying the bigger bottles.” All fooling aside, the following day is also very important to me as it is the birthday of my dear, sweet, saintly Mom. The family just celebrated her 88th birthday with her and she is as quick witted and cheery as ever. She does appear to be shrinking, however. I remember how tall she seemed when I was a young lad. I suspect in a few years, we will have to be careful not to lose her in plush carpets.
The next big deal in April is Cinco de Mayo or something like. I believe it is a Mexican mayonnaise festival of some sort. It’s very like Robbie Burns Day where we act Scottish and eat haggis and toss kaybers, or Saint Patrick’s Day where we do leprechaun impressions and chew Guinness stout and be Irish for a day. I notice there is no special day for the Dutch, however. (Sorry, Ted.)
Next comes Easter, which is rather early this year. It is one of the few holidays that moves around the calendar. The timing is based on full moons, or first frosts or some other arcane method. I phoned to ask the experts how it was derived and was told there are only four people on the planet that know and if they told me, they would have to kill me. I do enjoy Easter, however. It is wonderful to observe the sacrifice of the Messiah by eating chocolate until my face has more pimples than a tweenager in the throes of puberty.
April is not just abounding in special, individual days; there are a wide variety of special interest groups that have claimed April as their own. For example, April is National Welding Month, Child Abuse Awareness Month, International Guitar Month, Alcohol Awareness Month (like we need a special month to be aware of alcohol) and African American Women’s Fitness Month. Those are just the tip of the iceberg. There are more groups hijacking April for their own purposes than Gillette has blades in a Mach V warehouse. It is so glutted with awareness campaigns that nobody is aware of anything. Most people aren’t even aware they were supposed to be aware and think April is just April. The fools. This must be agonizing for groups such as the National Anxiety Month people. (I did not make any of these up, by the way.) April is a month of firsts; the first dandelion, the first bit of greenery, the first firepit. But sadly it is also the end of some things. Some very fine things. There is one thing in particular I’ll miss with the appearance of April that is good and true and fine. For April brings the end to the dart season WAAAAAAAAHHHH!
When March goes on forever and April twice as long who gives a damn if spring has come as long as winter’s gone.- R. L. Ruzicka
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