“Don’t worry,” I assured her jokingly, “If I want to get my heart rate up, I just try and use my debit card.” I could almost see her make a mental note to charge me in advance should I become a client.
Although a bit uneasy about the whole procedure, I was heartened when we walked in the door. When I envisioned a “spa” I was thinking of some darkened sanctum loaded with women lying about with mudpacks on their faces and cucumber slices on their eyes. This looked more like a doctor’s office only brighter and cheerier, although it did have its scary side. While showing us around, she displayed a small room which contained a machine that looked like a trickle charger for a car battery. I was relieved when she quickly closed the door. She claimed that machine was just for specific areas of the body. I am glad she didn’t go into those specifics.
Then came the moment I was dreading; the pre-procedure baseline measurements. She measured my thighs, my biceps, and my waist, with which she had a bit of trouble with her short arms. She wanted to measure all kinds of other things such as my jowls but mercifully let me off the hook as it was just a trial basis.
After the last measurement, which was standing on the scales (Dang!) I finally set foot on the miraculous machine. The way it works is that you stand on this wobbly platform while the trained professional punches in your vital statistics. Then after coming up with your ideal personalized regimen, the contraption generates a vigorous vibration that is designed to get your precious bodily fluids churning and detoxifying and circulating faster than a hot piece of gossip. Or something like that.
According to the literature, the use of this miraculous machine can not only improve your body tone, but have a positive influence on everything from increasing bone density to heightened lymphatic drainage. I didn’t even know my lymphatics needed draining. There were 28 conditions in all that the literature claimed to help improve, ease or cure. On this list were some pretty serious illnesses such as Multiple Sclerosis and Fibromyalgia, as well as maladies I had no idea what they even were, like the listing for “frozen shoulder”. I’d gotten the cold shoulder from Cupcake a number of times but I didn’t realize it was a precursor to a serious chronic illness.
The machine started off vibrating gently. It was weird to see my entire body jiggling in the mirror strategically placed in front of the machine. I have never been more thankful I was wearing clothing. I snuck a peak over at the adjoining machine Cupcake was occupying. Although she was jiggling too, somehow it looked better on her than me.
The machine audibly increased in tempo, as did the violent shaking of the looser areas of skin (i.e. everything but my shins and ankles). I took particular note that Santa’s bowl full of jelly’s got nothing on me.
I found that by flexing different muscles; knees, arms, stomach, etc, (yes, I have stomach muscles) it would actually transfer the vibrating energy to different parts of the body. I was quite astonished when I discovered tightening my ab muscles caused the flab in my face to shake uncontrollably. I was afraid spit would fly in every direction if I dared open my mouth.
“Ifff n-n-nothththing e-e-else I h-h-have i-isssol-lat-ted w-w-whichch p-partss n-n-need t-t-ton-ning,” I manage to say to Cupcake with the machine at full throttle.
“Looks like all of them from my perspective,” she answered calmly, already in the “cool down” mode. All too quickly, the ten minutes was up and I got off the machine with knees wobblier than they were in the wee hours of the dart wind up.
“Wow, that was quite a ride!” I enthused. “I’m sure I had it at warp factor ten!”
“Well, actually, I noticed the machine only topped out at three,” Leah chuckled. “We save the higher settings for the advanced users.”
I was both disappointed and relieved at the same time. While I like to try everything to the max, I also didn’t want my loose flesh jiggling off my body.
We still have one more visit before the final measurements will be taken but I probably wouldn’t have shared my vital statistics. There are some things inquiring minds really don’t want to know.
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