Taking a Vow

My darling wife and I were doing something totally different together last week. We were having a quiet evening at home and it wasn’t due to Cupcake giving me ‘the silent treatment’; my favourite form of punishment. We were sitting on our tolerance seat (it used to be a love seat but we’re older now) enjoying a respite from our busy day. She was reading a Max Haines crime thriller (CSI was, amazingly, not on any channel on TV at the time and she needed her murder and mayhem fix) while I was surveying the inside of my eyelids hoping to catch a few winks before bed-time.
I was just sliding into the warm, comfortable arms of Morpheus when Cupcake barged into my consciousness with one of those ‘women’ questions the fairer gender favour so much. I call them ‘women’ questions because no fella worth his power tools would ever even think to make such a query.
"What are you thinking about?" she wanted to know, staring dreamily into my eyes.
This line of questioning from Cupcake always stumps me. In my view, it’s rather presumptuous of her to assume I’m actually thinking something at any given minute. Apparently she thinks thoughts constantly and unbelievably, believes I am similarly afflicted. However, I've come to learn from bitter past experiences that if I say something like "Nothing, Sweetheart," or any variation on that theme, Cupcake accuses me of evasiveness and I spend the balance of the day convincing her I'm not hiding anything.
I've also found responses like "I was just thinking how much I love you and how special you are to me," doesn't really cut the mustard, either. She feels this is an automatic response I've rehearsed just for such occasions (which, of course, it is, but it did work a couple times).
Instead I responded with another tried and true gambit; a quick response on a neutral subject and a return of the conversation ball back into her court.
"I was just thinking if I ever got nailed for a DUI while driving around with a carload of hookers and blow, I’d want to hire the same lawyer Rahim Jaffer did. Why, what are you thinking about?"
“I’d say if you get caught drunk driving with hookers and blow, the court system would be the least of your concern,” she snorted. “After I got finished with you, there wouldn’t be much left for the legal system to pursue. But that’s not what’s on my mind, frankly. I have something more important to discuss. “Uh oh”, I thought, my mental ‘red alert’ klaxon blaring. Here it comes.  “I was thinking how nice it would be if we were to renew our vows. Don't you think that would be romantic?"
I didn't answer immediately. Instead I quickly reviewed my limited range of options knowing each would have their own specific ramifications. If, for example, I shot down the idea out of hand (which was my gut reaction) I would be viewed as unloving and obstinate. If, however, I showed the slightest interest whatsoever, she would immediately begin hiring caterers and renting a hall.
Still, it had actually occurred to me recently we could use another wedding. After this many years of marital bliss, our dish cloths and bath towels are worn thin to the point of transparency and we're down to our last toaster. Plus, I rather enjoy parties where people bring me gifts.
Conversely, however, I also realized how much another wedding would set us back. It would be a ton of cash and for what? It’s not like our current marriage license had expired. Believe me, I check frequently. But “I do's" are good for a lifetime and you only need renew your vows if maybe you’ve reneged on a few during the interim. Since this isn’t the case, I couldn't see the point, other than replenishing our linen cupboard. I needed a way out.
"You know, dear, that may not be a bad idea," I began. "In fact, just the other day I was thinking of some of the vows I forgot to throw in there in the first place. This might just be the ticket!"
She sat up and eyed me warily.
"What kind of extra vows were you thinking of throwing in?" she asked suspiciously.
"Nothing major," I responded breezily. "Just stuff like vowing not to leave your underwear on the shower curtain rod to dry, keeping the ironing caught up a little better, that sort of thing. Heck, maybe I could even work in something about not having headaches at bedtime. This vow idea is sounding pretty good!"
As I explored the subject, her eyes narrowed. “I mean, that ‘love, honour and cherish’ thing is okay but it doesn’t cover replenishing my socks and undies drawer in a timely fashion,” I continued.
"Well, let's not be hasty," she interrupted. "If we do it, I want it to be just right, so it could be a little expensive. I can think of a few things we need more than renewing a piece of paper that doesn’t need renewing. Maybe we can do it for our 50th. That will give us a couple decades to save up."
We both lapsed into silence after that. I don't know what she was thinking but unlike her, I didn't want to ask. All I was thinking was that Rahim and I just got away with one.