I got in trouble for my last column. The editor told me to expect some negative mail regarding a thoughtless and insensitive comment I`d put in the piece. I struggled to remember what the article had even been about. I hadn`t read it in a week and in my mushy memory, last week`s effort usually slips away faster than dreams of Catherine Zeta-Jones upon waking. I certainly didn`t recall writing anything that was liable to draw a crowd bearing pitchforks and torches. That`s Brian`s gig.
"You used the phrase, `the little woman` when referring to Cupcake," he said, striking what I heard as an accusatory chord. "The radical feminist lobby will be all over you. This will be worse than the time you referred to her as "the wife"."
I sighed. It is so hard. Writing about women in general and my wife specifically, It is practically impossible not to offend certain segments of society if they are whiny and perpetually offended by trivialities. To say "the wife" is seen as objectifying females and mentally filing them alongside other possessions as "the house", "the car", "the ride 'em lawn mower", and what have you.
Okay, so what is the alternative to "the wife"? What is the difference between "the wife" and saying "my wife"? Doesn`t the word "my" signify a possession as in "my house", "my car", "my little pony" etc., just as much as the "the" word?
"Don`t be purposefully obtuse," Cupcake snorted when I broached the subject with her. Actually, she used a euphemism for "unintelligent donkey" but this is a family paper. "Most women are not hung up on such niggling little matters. I kind of like being called `the little woman`. It sure beats some of the more accurate alternatives. But what we females dislike is to be treated like and referred to as some kind of chattal."
I turned away and rolled my eyes. (If she catches me eyerolling, I get a lecture about taking her feelings seriously or some such.).
"It`s pronounced `cattle`", I sneered. "The point is that women do that "poor me" thing but essentially run the show. There may be men at the heads of the ships of state but it`s their wives that hold the rudder. Women are now the ruling class."
She fixed me with a squinty stare. "And don`t you forget it!" she spat as she stomped off. So much for trying to open lines of communication and all that blah, blah, blah she goes on about. "Exchanging meaningful dialogue indeed".
Literarily speaking, women have it easy. They have tons of ways of referring to men, such as "guys", "fellas", "dudes", "boys", "the hubby" and in some circles, "johns". For the most part, these synonyms are pretty innocuous and non-judgemental. What do we have for women? "Dames", "broads", "chicks", and the oft-employed word for a female dog word. Very negative. Some don`t even like being called "girls". Others bridle at the term "lady", believe it or not. And my gosh, if you call the wrong woman "ma'am or madam", you may just as well as called them an ugly old bag or the head of a house of ill repute.
You never know when a term will offend the easily offended. "I`m not a lady, I am a woman," sniffed one woman haughtily to me when the subject came up. I immediately slotted her in that female dog category.
The social mores against criticism of women is a concern. Like racial minorities, they have an equal right to be portrayed as silly or stupid but such is not the case. Caucasian men have become the last people allowable to make fun of on TV, Little Mosque on the Prairie, notwithstanding. Everyone else is part some kind of minority that allows them a free pass from being a joke butt. The last black guy that European-North Americans were allowed to laugh at was George Jefferson, oh and Shaun Majumnder, but only because he`s from Newfoundland
Women, of course, are a whole different kettle of fish. They are actually a majority but it isn`t politically correct to make jokes about women because.... because... well, I`m not really sure why, frankly. The last vestiges of sexism are pretty much outweighed by the reverse-discrimination that is rampant. There are, for example, many exercise places that do not allow men; Lady Fitness, Curves, Sweatin`to the Oldies... Oh wait, that last one was a Richard Simmons video series. My mistake. Still, the point is that there are no men-only exercise places because the minute they try, they have more placard waving, foaming-at-the-mouth radical feminists demanding to be allowed inside than legitimate workout customers. The fact that they appear to have spent far more time inside a Wendy`s, rather than the inside of a Lady Fitness is, apparently, irrelevant.
I responded to Brian`s concerns quickly."Don`t worry, Boss," I reassured him. "I haven`t had a hate letter since my last Rita MacNiel fat joke."
No comments:
Post a Comment